I'm a Believer.

I have a list.  It's a list of things that, when I get to Heaven, I'm asking God why they happened here on Earth.  Number one on the list, at the very top--highlighted, circled, in bold print--is why childhood cancer exists.  Why babies?   Why little children?  Why cancer?  Kids are supposed to be worry-free.  Their biggest problems should be which cartoon to watch and how long mom will let them stay up before bedtime.  They shouldn't be worrying about chemo treatments, scans and losing their hair.  Why kids, God?
Recently, a friend of mine announced on Facebook that her sweet little one year old, Brooklyn, went to the doctor.  While there, they found a tumor in her abdomen.  A tumor that turned out to be neuroblastoma.  Why Brooklyn, God?  When I read the news, I couldn't believe it.  After all, Brooklyn is my daughter's age.  How is it possible that she has CANCER?  I can't even begin to imagine how her parents feel.  Anger?  Shock?  Denial?  Grief?  All of the above, I'm sure.  My heart immediately went out to Erin, Brooklyn's mom.  I don't even know Erin that well.  Our paths have crossed over the years and we're friendly acquaintances, but I'm sure she wouldn't consider me a close friend.  But that doesn't matter.  She's a fellow mother.  As a mother, I know how it feels when your child is sick or in pain.  To know that your child is hurting and you can do absolutely nothing to take that pain away.  But I don't know what it's like to have a child with cancer.  No mother should ever have to know what that feels like.  Why Erin, God?  The more I thought about it, the more helpless I felt.  I prayed.  I BEGGED God to be with Erin and her husband Daniel.  To give them strength to get through this incredibly hard and long journey with their daughter.  I prayed for the doctors that would be helping to find out more about Brooklyn's cancer and what could be done to "make it go away (if only it were that easy!)."  I begged God to heal Brooklyn.  To take away the cancer and perform a miracle.  I have faith.  I know that my God is huge and that healing Brooklyn is something he can do.  But most of all, I just prayed for Brooklyn.  For a BABY that is going through something so adult, like scans and screens and treatments.  Brooklyn and her parents have been on my mind constantly since I read the news.  And even after praying, I still felt helpless.  Until one of their family members posted a link to Brooklyn's Caring Bridge website and I saw a link for donations.

Immediately, I logged on to give a donation.  Erin and Daniel are going to be off for, possibly, months while they fight this monster alongside their sweet little girl.  They're going to have lost income, hospital bills, treatment costs, doctor bills--mounting expenses for any young family.  So, along with my prayers, I gave a donation to help this family on their journey.  It wasn't much, but every little bit counts when it comes to battling cancer.  I ask that you do the same.  You may not know Brooklyn or Erin or Daniel.  Does it matter?  Here's a family....a BABY that's dealing with cancer.  An anonymous donation will pick up their spirits.  Do you all remember Lane?  The young boy who battled cancer and gained worldwide attention?  How awesome would it be if we could raise that much awareness for Brooklyn?  If we could raise that much money for Brooklyn's family?  Are you willing to make a small donation to help this family?  More than a just a monetary donation, it shows Erin, Daniel and Brooklyn that we CARE. I'm hurting for them and I hate that they're going through something like this and I donated money just so they know that they aren't alone.  So, Erin or family, if you're reading this.  I care.  I'm praying for you.  I am praying that you have the strength to get through this and come out on the other side, victorious. I'm praying every day---MULTIPLE times a day for Brooklyn and that she has the ability to beat this thing like I know she can.  Because I'm one of Brooklyn's Believers. 

If you're interested in making a donation, please visit Brooklyn's donation website at: http://www.giveforward.com/brooklynsbelievers

More than anything, spread the word. This family isn't alone. They need to know that we're here and we believe in them.

Honesty.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I haven't really had anything to say. This past Monday, my mother in law passed away from lung cancer. I got back on today, thinking I would blog like nothing was wrong. I wrote a post full of fluff and had zero substance. And then I realized it was all bull crap.  So I deleted it and I'm just going to tell you all how I'm feeling.

• I hate that my husband is only 26 years old and lost his mother.
• I'm angry that I didn't get more time getting to know her. Listening to her stories of my husband growing up. Showing me pictures. Teaching me about who Marty was and how he came to be the person he is today. 
• I'm so sad for Avery.
• I'm sad she's lost her grandmother and doesn't even realize it. 
• I'm sad for our future children. That they'll never meet her. 
• I'm brokenhearted that my husband is suffering and lost someone so important to him and I have no idea how to help him.
• I'm a little angry. Angry at her for smoking, knowing the risk and angry at myself for feeling that way. 
• I'm feeling selfish. I've been almost like a single mother for weeks while Marty spent the night at his parents and sat by her side. He watched his mother slip away and all I could focus on was the fact that I was the only one home to pick up the laundry and deal with Avery being sick. 
• I'm feeling guilty for needing my husband right now when his dad needs him more than I do.
• I'm upset that I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to be there for Marty. Should I hang back, ask if he needs me, try to get him to talk or leave him alone?  
• I'm feeling grief all over again. My mother in law's cancer has brought back all the feelings from losing my grandfather to cancer. I think about him more often and my grief seems to be fresh, even after almost 12 years.
• I'm just feeling lost. I feel guilty for being the "in law" and feeling such grief and emotion when my husband has barely talked about how he's felt over the entire thing. I feel like I have little right to talk about my feelings when Marty isn't talking about his. 

I know it will get better. Life will move on and start to feel somewhat normal again. But I have no idea how long that will take. 

Hey, It's Okay Thursday!

Does anyone else get really excited when they find something on the Internet that they've never seen before?  A sort of "hidden gem," if you will?  I felt that way today when my friend Sarah wrote a post linking up to an "It's Okay Thursday" link party--where bloggers confess all their little quirks and guilty pleasures and declare that "it's okay!"  Just a fun way for you to let off some steam and realize that you're not so weird after all. :) 



It's okay.....

• That I've been listening to Christmas music non-stop for the past two weeks.  And secretly, I've wanted to put up Christmas decorations since Halloween.
• That I put Avery to sleep early on Sunday night so she would be good and asleep by the time Once Upon a Time came on.
• To have a drawer full of snacks at work when that 2 pm tummy rumbling hits.
• For said snack drawer to also contain two packages of child's juice boxes....that I drink for myself (apple and fruit punch baby!),
• That somedays, I don't have a clue what I'm doing when comes to dealing with my child and I have to call my mom for backup.
• That I don't have 100 followers on my blog or get as many comments on blog posts that I am super excited about.  Thank you to all of you that stick around.
• That I made a frozen Totino's pizza the other night and had to give myself an intense lecture to not eat the entire thing.
• To flip between a Harry Potter marathon and Disney Pixar movie week.
• To sing along with my daughter's Jake and the Neverland Pirates CD.
• That I completely despise Halloween. 
• To have taken a break from blogging to focus more on my family lately.

Whatever your weird/quirkiness is, just know....it's okay!  Happy Thursday! :)

A Day in the Life

I have something special for you guys today...I have a guest poster!  She's adorable.  She's spoiled.  She's a diva.  Welcome to a "day in the life of.....Avery Leigh."

Hey everybody!  I thought it was time for everyone to meet the baby behind the "Super Messy Supermommy."  Wanna know why my mommy is the way she is (frazzled, messy, crazy at times)?  Follow me on my journey through a single day.  Hope you can keep up!

6:58 am--Stir around in my bed.  Cry out a few times and then be quiet....it throws mommy off.  She thinks she can go back to sleep. 
7:05 am--Decide mommy has slept enough.  Chew on my bed and cry until she comes to get me.  If she waits more than two minutes, I think it's best to throw things to get attention.  Maybe howl a little.
7:08 am--Mommy's here!  Although she doesn't look as awake as I am....

7:10 am--Wiggle around a lot during diaper changing to help mommy wake up.
7:13 am--Run into mommy's office and touch all her paints before she finds me.

7:14 am--She found me.  I smile sweetly so she won't get mad.

7:19 am--Hide the remote.  She'll never find it!  Just like she hasn't found those 5 pairs of shoes I've hidden *evil giggle*

7:30 am--Favorite time of day---breakfast!  NutriGrain bars and Craisins. 

7:45 am--Finish breakfast.  Ask for more.  Mommy says no.  *sigh*
7:46 am--Tell daddy goodbye. 

8:00 am--Mickey Mouse is on!  I love that mouse.

8:17 am--Pretend like I'm getting sleepy.  It throws mommy off.  I even put a pillow in the floor and lay on it for dramatic effect.
8:19 am--Begged mommy to let me lay with her. 

8:20 am--Done pretending!  I think mommy fell for it!  I really just wanted to be up on the couch to play.
8:21 am--Beg for more food.  Craisins appear.  I like it when mommy does magic.
8:25 am--Ask for more Craisins.  Mommy tells me this is my "last snack."  We'll see about that....
8:30 am--Jake and the Neverland Pirates is on--my second favorite show!  Those songs are so darn catchy. 

8:34 am--Give mommy kisses.  I gotta keep up my sweet demeanor every once in awhile.

8:35 am--Find the Craisins mommy was hiding! 

8:50 am--Point to my hairbows and "ask" to wear one. Giggle when mommy puts in it my hair. Gosh, I'm cute.
8:51 am--Time to polish my music skills. I'm a reallllly good singer.

8:52 am--Violently rip hairbow out.  Gotta remind that hairbow who's boss.

8:55 am--Push mommy out of the bedroom and shut the door.  Repeat three times.  Giggle a lot. 

8:57 am--Mommy shuts the door and tells me I can't go back in my room.  Rude.
9:10 am--Brush up on some light reading.

9:14 am--Ask for more food.  Don't get any.  Sometimes mommy is mean.
9:15 am--Ask for more food.  Still don't get any.  Mommy says "I've had enough snacks for now."  Is there such a thing?
9:16 am--Realize Mickey is back on.  I'm getting a little sleepy, but I won't let mommy know.
9:25 am--Crawl up into mommy's lap, pretending to be sweet.  Maybe I'll just rest awhile. 

11:00 am--Wake up in my bed......what just happened?

11:11 am--Favorite time of day--lunch! 
11:12 am--Did you know everything is good with ketchup?  Macaroni and cheese, pickles, my fingers.....

11:24 am--Drag half of mommy's shoes out of the closet while she dries her hair.  She loves when I do that.

11:26 am--Find a pretty box in mommy's bathroom cabinet with yellow wrappers in it.  I think it's candy.

11:27 am--Run away with the box and dump the candy on the ground to find the best piece. 

11:28 am--Taste a wrapper.  Not candy.
11:32 am--Weigh myself.  Gained 2 ounces.  Need to lay off those sugar wafers.

11:40 am--Mommy is changing my diaper (again).  To mix things up, I try to help.  Grab my diaper and get brown stuff all over my bed.  Mommy has her angry face on and called me by my hospital name.  Am I in trouble?
11:41 am--Pat mommy on the hand.  She smiles.  Everything is fixed.
11:48 am--Mommy spots leftover ketchup on my face and tries to clean it.  I get mad....maybe I was saving it for later, okay?!
11:50 am--Figure out that if I turn my cup upside down and shake, water comes out.  Do this all over the living room floor. 

11:51 am--Mommy sees.  The angry face comes back.  This might call for two pats on the hand.
11:57 am--I have the urge to rip things.  Napkins sound good. 

11:58 am--Mommy isn't speaking to me.  This is definitely time for a hug.
11:59 am--Hug mommy.  Even pat her back a little.  She smiles and calls me "sweet baby."  She is so easy.
12:00 pm--Mommy is trying to get me to say "Love you."  Again.  I know how.  I just don't feel like it.
12:05 pm--We're in the car....road trip!

12:16 pm--"Party in the USA" comes on the radio.  Mommy dances and wants me to join her.  I'm just going to stare at her blankly and hope she stops.
12:17 pm--She puts in my Jake and the Neverland Pirates CD.  Now THAT'S my jam.  Proceed to rock out.
12:20 pm--Mommy tries to turn off Jake after just two songs.  I scream "Jaaaaake!" until she puts it back.  Success.
12:22 pm--Show mommy my new trick of gagging myself with three fingers.  She doesn't like it.  12:40 pm--Got to my cousin's house....non-stop playtime!!!
2:32 pm--Got a little sleepy.  Shook it off like a champ.
2:55 pm--Mommy keeps feeling my head and saying something about a fever.
3:15 pm--Leaving my cousins.  Sad time.  They have the best toys.
4:10 pm--Got home.  Mommy said something about wanting me to take a nap since I'm not feeling good.  She even turned on my nighttime sound machine.  Yeah, like that's gonna wor.........
5:33 pm--Woke up in my bed AGAIN!  How does this keep happening??
5:34 pm--Mommy used the stick thingy with numbers and said I don't have a fever anymore.  Like I care.
5:35 pm--Favorite time of day--dinner!  Spanish rice and corn.  Tip:  if you don't have half of your food on yourself by the end of the meal, you aren't doing something right.

6:00 pm--Daddy's home!!!  This means playtime, of course.
6:20 pm--Mommy said something about going out and went to go fix her hair.  I better go investigate.
6:22 pm--Found those wrappers in mommy's bathroom again.  I'm still suspicious of them being candy.  Decided to dump them for a double check.

6:23 pm--Still not candy.
6:24 pm--Helped mommy put them back in the box.  Maybe she'll give me real candy for helping.
6:35 pm--Aunt Dayna is here!!  Gosh, I love that redhead. 
6:37 pm--Mommy and Aunt Dayna are talking about leaving for a "girls night out."  I'm not invited?
6:40 pm--I decided to let mommy go to dinner.  Hope she doesn't think this is going to be a regular thing.  Guess I'll spend the rest of the night with daddy!  See you blogging peoples later! 

-Avery

Hot Mess Monday {Week 16}

Hot mess Monday time.  And yes, I'm feeling more hot messy than anything else this week.  I haven't blogged, I haven't slept and I haven't exercised.  *sigh*  Hopefully next week I'll be back in the "hot mama" mentality.

Original weight:  142.5 lbs
Last week's weight:  132.4 lbs
This week's weight:

Weight lost from last week:  zilch.

Overall weight lost:  10.1 lbs.

I'm still feeling good about the weight I've lost throughout my entire journey.  But this week, I just felt downright chubby.  Nothing fit right.  Since it's been getting chillier, I've had to pull out my fall/winter clothes.  The problem is, I don't have any warmer clothes that really fit my new shape.  Last fall, I'd just had a baby, so I was still sporting a lot of maternity and large sized clothing.  The year before that, I wasn't pregnant, so I was wearing my skinny clothes.  Now, fast forward to this year.  I don't need the larges or the maternity clothes, thanks to my 10 pound weight loss (gosh that feels good to say), but I certainly cannot fit into my pre-baby clothes anymore. That leaves me with maybe 6 shirts and one pair of jeans that I feel good in.  I have no dress pants, no sweaters, no extra pairs of jeans for backups.  I hear you now: "So just go buy yourself some new clothes Devan."  Thanks for the advice, but we have a tiny little problem.  My daughter Avery is a tiny little thing.  Right now, at 15 1/2 months old, she's sporting 9 and 12 month clothing.  Clothing that she SHOULD have been wearing this past spring and summer for her one year birthday.  So every piece of 9-12 month clothing she owns is short sleeved or sleeveless--all meant for warmer weather.  Not 50 degrees and raining.  I've been slowly trying to build up her wardrobe with sweaters and long sleeves and jackets.  Add in Christmas presents needing to be purchased and that doesn't leave a whole lot of money to make me feel like a hot mama.  Ah well.  I guess I just need to make do with the shirts and jeans that I have and keep myself feeling good, instead of trying to fit into those old clothes. 

I have started tracking my meals again on My Fitness Pal and I'm retraining myself to watch what I'm eating.  I'm also going to start the Couch to 5K program, courtesy of my mom's treadmill.  I'm going to be printing out those quotes that I found last week {Suck it up, and one day you won't have to suck it in!}.  And hopefully, next week, I'll see the number "131" on my scale.  

Non-Facebook Thankfulness

I don't know what's going on where you live, but in my area of the world, people ALL OVER Facebook are doing one post for every single day listing what they're thankful for...all the way until Thanksgiving.  I LOVE the idea.  Who doesn't need to be reminded of all their amazing blessings in life that we probably all take for granted?  I know I need a daily reminder of how blessed I am.  But, I feel like as a blogger, I drive people insane with my posts.  Daily status updates whenever I've written a new blog post.  Regular status updates when I just feel like telling all my Facebook peeps something that's going on in my life.  Then, this year, I've decided to be a part of my local Relay for Life committee...so sometimes my Facebook turns into a "This is what Relay is doing for those of you that care" kind of thing.  So add a post every single day about what I'm thankful for?  People would be blocking me left and right (if they already haven't).  Instead, I thought I'd do some blog posts about the things I'm thankful for.
Today, I'm thankful for my family.  For those of you that don't know, I have a HUGE family.  Both of my parents are one of 6 siblings.  On my mom's side alone, there are 35 of us that gather for any holiday (and we'll use any excuse we can to get together).  On my dad's side there are 29 of us.  Holy geez.  That's a lot of birthdays to remember, gifts to buy, places to be and phone calls to make on a weekly basis.  But let me break it down for you:

The Thomas'.
These people.  Fifteen blog posts all about them wouldn't be enough to talk about them all.  Or describe how much they mean to me.  My mom and her brothers and sisters all live within a 10 mile radius of each other.  This means a lot of unexpected popping in each other's house and time spent with our family.  My cousins and I grew up together and are extremely close.  I almost think of all of them as my little brother and sisters.  Dayna, Mark, Amanda and I were like the Four Musketeers.  Amanda and I picked on Mark and Dayna.  Mark and Dayna accepted it.  It was a great relationship.  We played and we pretended and we all got in trouble together.  I can't think of many great childhood memories that didn't have one of those three in it.  Amanda, Dayna and I roomed together in college.  Although we're growing up and going our separate ways, I am thankful for every moment we got to spend with one another.  It made me who I am today. 

This picture is perfectly us.  Ridiculous in every way.

And then you have the rest of my cousins.  They're loud.  They're wild.  They give me a headache on Christmas when we're all in one room and we can't send the boys and their energy outside.  But they make me laugh.  And they can be really sweet.  And my family wouldn't be complete without all of them.  I am thankful that my mom has so many brothers and sisters and has given me a family like this one to grow up with.  It may not be normal, but I can't imagine life any other way.  I'm thankful that I have such a large support base.  I know that if I have a problem or need to call any of them up at whatever time of night just to talk, I can.  I'm thankful for my aunts, who are kind of like my second moms.  I'm thankful for my Meemaw,  who is beauty and class and determination and a homemaker and a little bit of attitude all rolled up in a tiny little package.  She is a wonderful example of the wife, mother and homemaker I aspire to be (And this is where I stop.  I'm telling you.  I could ramble on for DAYS about these people).

The Parretts.
Now, dad's family is a different story.  While dad also has 5 brothers and sisters, they're scattered throughout the country.  They live in Missouri, Florida and parts of Kentucky.  So I don't get to see them very often.  But when we do, watch out.  These people are ca-razy.  When they get together, it's an all-out giggle fest, sibling rivalry, eat-til-I'm-huge event.  My Granny makes fried chicken that I swear is laced with crack--she just won't admit it.  I am thankful to have a family that doesn't see each other often, but can pick up a conversation like we just spoke yesterday and it's never awkward.  My dad and his siblings are hilarious to watch when they're together.  My aunts and uncle are ridiculously competeitive.  They like to tell stories about the others getting in trouble and their adventures as military brats.  There's never a dull moment with the Parretts.  Not one.  Out of all of them though, I am super close to my cousin Emily.  We're only 6 months apart...which wasn't always a good thing.  Growing up, we wanted to spend tons of time together.  We would travel to each other's homes to have slumber parties....and the night would always end with one of us being mad at the other.  Thankfully, we have outgrown such childish arguments and talk at least once a week.  She's hilarious and snarky and secretly, her "tell it like it is" attitude is something I envy.  We were in each other's weddings and I hope our friendship continues long into our old lady years. 

I'm thankful I have family that I can talk to, rely on, share secrets with.  I realize that so many people aren't blessed with large families or even much of a family at all.  So, whether you're a Thomas or a Parrett, I'm thankful for YOU.

Hot Mama Continues!

Hot Mama Monday continues my friends!

Original weight:  142.5 lbs
Last week's weight:  133.6
This week's weight:

Weight lost since last week:  1.2 lbs!!
Overall loss:  10.1 lbs!! 

I'll be honest.  I was dreading this morning.  I knew I had made some healthy choices and didn't snack and drank more water, but I didn't exercise and I didn't count calories.  So I really wasn't sure where I stood with this week's weight.  When stepped on the scale this morning and saw this, I had to refrain from screaming (since my husband was laying in bed not 20 feet away).  You better believe I did a happy dance though--that's why the picture is blurry.  :)

Biggest challenges this week:  Self-esteem and feeling like I CAN do this.  I get easily discouraged when things don't go my way.  So, when I woke up one morning having a "fat day" and not feeling very good in my clothes, I wanted to give up.  I wanted to drive to my nearest drive thru and get a Big Mac.  I'm terrible about rewarding or comforting myself with food.  I'm not going to lie, there are some big things going on in life right now that leave me feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed.  My immediate reaction is to turn to the comfort foods--the chips, the mac and cheese, the powdered donuts.  I never realized this about myself.  I never thought that I was the type that looked at food as a crutch.  But I do.  And I think now that I've recognized that and admitted it about myself, it'll be easier to stop it when I do feel like comforting myself with food.

What worked:  I think I'm beginning to understand what I can and can't have.  I know which foods I used to eat before my diet began and I know their calorie counts and I know to stay away.  I know to drink more water and snack on baked chips or fruit.  It's beginning to register. 

I know I've been saying it for awhile now, but I AM going to exercise.  THIS WEEK.  I may have lost 10 pounds during this journey, but I'm not really feeling it yet.  My jeans are still too tight, I still see the extra weight under my chin.  And I know that's not going away unless I work for it.  So, to guide me, a few quotes I found by following "Fitness Motivator" on Twitter:

"Motivation is what gets you started.

Habit is what keeps you going."

"The only workout you'll regret is the one you never did."

"Less sugar, more fruit.  Less meat, more veggies.  Less soda, more water.

Less worry, more sleep.  LESS WORDS, MORE ACTION."

And, my personal favorite:

"SUCK IT UP, then one day, you won't have to SUCK IT IN."

So.  Suck it up Devan. 



30 for 30...almost.

I admit defeat.  If any of you were wondering, I never finished my "30 for 30" posts.  Don't get me wrong--I finished the challenge:  only 30 items of clothing and shoes for 30 days.  I did it.  I promise (ask anyone around me...they know I wore the same exact clothes every day). Where I failed was actually documenting every single day's outfit in a photo.  I got to day 22.  Then we went on vacation.  Actually, then I was busy packing and then we went on vacation.  I kept telling myself that I was going to get the clothes out and take pictures of the outfits I wore on days 23-30.  But life happened.  We came home, I had mountains and mountains of laundry to do and sort and put away (some until next summer).  Then we decided to put our house up for sale and I've been obsessed with trying to keep the house clean every morning before I leave for work and then trying to make as little mess as possible every evening (most days I fail miserably).  Days 23-30 never got photographed.  At least I had good intentions, right?  That's life though....especially life for me right now.  I have amazing intentions:  I'm going to fix dinner every night, I'm going to cut coupons and spend as little as possible on frivolous things, I'm going to finish all my laundry, I'm going to re-decorate the house and make it more fashionable, I'm going to clear out my entire wardrobe and make myself more presentable.  And then life happens.  I cook dinner maybe one night out of the entire week and eat sandwiches the rest.  I cut coupons for a few things, take them to the grocery and then forget I had them.  I see a cute pair of shoes that are calling my name and talk myself into buying them.  I have piles of laundry waiting for me every single night, the decor in my house hasn't been changed in over 6 months and my wardrobe is nowhere near as fashionable as I want it.  Since when is life perfect?  I'm sure as heck not. :)  So, without further ado, days 21 and 22.

One more dose of imperfection before I go.....taking these pictures was sometimes a pain in the rear.  Because my daughter is an expert photobomber.  She somehow would know the exact second I was taking a picture because she would rush in and sneak into my photo before I even knew it.  Examples:

I'm telling y'all.  She could make a living out of photobombing. 

Fighting Back.

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile, but never really had any words to start it.  How do you sum up your feelings of hatred for something in one blog post?  How do you talk about something that has changed your life forever in a couple of paragraphs?  So, I guess I'll just say this:

I HATE cancer.

No other words I could ever say could appropriately describe how I feel about this disease.  I hate it.  I hate that it exists.  I hate the fear it invokes when people say the word.  I hate that it rips families apart and makes them hurt and grieve.  I hate that it takes loved ones away--before we're ready to let them go.  I hate that it took my Peepaw.  I hate that colon cancer took him too soon and I only got 14 years with him.  I hate that it made him hurt.  I hate that, if I want to see him, I have to look at a picture instead of going to his house to see his face.  I hate that cancer is the reason Peepaw didn't get to see my high school graduation.  My tenure as a Kentucky FFA State Officer.  My college diploma.  I hate that, because of cancer, I had to light a memory candle for him at my wedding instead of having him sit by my beautiful Meemaw and witness it all.  I hate that cancer didn't allow him to meet my husband.  Or my daughter, Avery.  I hate that, because of cancer, I'll never hear him laugh again.  Never see him in his Sheriff's uniform again.  Never feel his all-encompassing hugs again.  I hate that cancer is the reason that I'm crying while writing this post.  I.  Hate.  Cancer. 

I'm not one to question God.  I know there's a bigger plan and that it isn't my place to understand it all.   I know that He doesn't MAKE bad things happen, but he does allow them.  Even as a Christian and having faith that God has a purpose for everything that happens in this world, I struggle daily with the existence of cancer.  I struggle with finding the good in the story of 13 year old Lane that had cancer for 3 years and still lost his battle in the end.  I struggle with comprehending why God would allow a three year old to battle cancer and lose.  I don't understand it.  One thing remains true, however:  we have ALL felt cancer's touch.  You may not have lost a loved one, but you've known someone that's had it:  a co-worker.  A friend's family member.  A fellow church goer.  An aquantaince.  A random story on Facebook that you stumbled upon and it changed your life forever.  Whether they were close to you or not, you've been affected by cancer.  This breaks my heart.  What other disease in this world has touched so many people? 

Cancer gives us a reason to celebrate...but not in the way you're thinking.  We celebrate those who have WON.  Who have faced cancer and beat it.  We celebrate those people that are still here with us and who wear the badge of "Survivor." 

Cancer gives us a reason to remember.  We remember all those people, like my Peepaw, who lost their battle.  Whose memories and laughter are still with us, even if they aren't. 

Cancer gives us a reason to fight back.  I'm so tired of sitting by and listening to people rattle off a list of more individuals that I know that have found out they have cancer.  SICK OF IT.  There's no reason that I shouldn't be able to do something about this.  So I'm fighting back.  I'm a member of a Relay for Life team that raises money to help people know how to stay well.  To know that you need to get your screenings and colonoscopies and mammograms done at a certain age (sooner if you have a family history of cancer).  I raise money to help people get well.  Did you know that the Breast Cancer Death Rate is down 33% since 1990?  That's because of people like me that donate to the American Cancer Society to fund research and find cures.  Mostly as a Relayer though, I just want to fight back.  I want to show cancer that I'm not helpless.  I lost a loved one, but that doesn't mean that I want this disease to take others I love as well.  I FIGHT BACK for my mom, my daughter, my future grandchildren.  I FIGHT BACK so others don't have to hear that their loved one has cancer.  I FIGHT BACK for that 14 year old, just like I once was, so she doesn't have to lose her grandfather to this terrible disease. 

I HATE cancer.  And I'm doing something about it.